Fleet Foxes Make The Best Album Of The Year...

. . . Says me. Buy it here and check out the two videos from their first full length album:

Like A Virgin?

A study released today finds that teenagers who take a virginity pledge are just as likely to have sex before marriage as teens who don't make said promise. Even more important is that among teens that have premarital sex, the percentage of teens who use protection is 10 points lower for teens who promised to remain abstinent. This may not be surprising because similar studies have come out before, but this one used the most rigorous standards to date. Hopefully two things come of this: 1.) Our government stops funding abstinence-only sex education programs because they don't work, and 2.) People stop having creepy "purity ceremonies," parties that look a lot like weddings except they serve sparkling apple juice instead of champagne and you get to dance with that old sweaty zealot you call your father instead of the man of your dreams.

Winning Hearts & Wangs

In the war in Afghanistan, the CIA has used incentives such as cash to get information from tribal leaders about Al Qaeda's whereabouts. Many of these tribal leaders are only loyal to their tribe and will easily switch sides in the war as long as there is something in it for them. Recently it has been revealed that a particular incentive has worked well to get Aghan leaders, many of which have 4 wives and are of old age, to help American forces: Viagra.

After a long conversation through an interpreter, the retired operator began to probe for ways to win the man's loyalty. A discussion of the man's family and many wives provided inspiration. Once it was established that the man was in good health, the pills were offered and accepted.
Four days later, when the Americans returned, the gift had worked its magic, the operative recalled.
"He came up to us beaming," the official said. "He said, 'You are a great man.' "
"And after that we could do whatever we wanted in his area."

Merry Christmas!!!!

Report: National's Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas

No-no

Dock Ellis, known for pitching a no hitter on LSD against the San Diego Padres and attempting to hit every batter of the Cincinnati Reds, died yesterday from liver problems. He was awaiting a transplant. Here is Ellis talking about his no hitter on LSD, in which the catcher had to wear reflective tape on his mitt so that Dock could see it:

I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling
of euphoria. I was zeroed in on the (catcher's) glove, but I didn't hit the
glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded
two or three times. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes,
sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I tried to stare the
hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it
turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I
remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped,
but the ball wasn't hit hard and never reached me.

Whack Madoff or Mad Whack Off?

A recent report on the Securities & Exchange Commission gives us a glimpse into why the SEC failed to uncover Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme:

[Investigators] uncovered evidence that an employee who was still in his
probationary period had used his SEC laptop computer to attempt to access
Internet websites classified as containing pornography, resulting in hundreds of
access denials. The OIG investigation also disclosed that this employee
successfully bypassed the Commission’s Internet filter by using a flash drive.

So this guy tried to look at porn using a computer given to him by the government but was blocked hundreds of times (duh!). Still determined to view his precious porn, this government employee figured out that he could bypass the blocking software by using a flash drive (I'm assuming he used some sort of program to hide or change the incoming IP address). If only he practiced this kind of persistence and dedication in trying to stop a $50 billion fraud during a recession.

What A Dick!

White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten called up the Superfriends recently and organized a meeting of 13 former chiefs of staff, including Dick Cheney (from the exciting Ford administration!) to give some advice to incoming chief of staff Rahm "Rahmbo" Emanuel. Former Chief of Staff and current Vice President Dick Cheney had these words of wisdom for Rahm:

"The best thing you can do is keep your VP under control."

The room erupted with laughter.

Ha ha ha ha . . . lying to the American public . . . ha ha . . . torture . . . he ha . . . thousands of dead American soldiers . . . ha ha ha . . . unlawful surveillance . . . ho ho . . . manipulating intelligence . . . ha ha ha . . . deaths of thousands of innocent Iraqis . . . oh oh . . . trillions of dollars wasted . . . ha . . . loss of respect for our nation in the international community . . . hehehe . . . shooting someone in the face . . . ha ha ha ha . . . wiping his ass with the Constitution . . . aha ha ha ha!!! Oh, good times.

My Left Foot

Two and a half months ago, the parents of Sam Esquibel found out there was a tumor in the newborn's son's brain. When doctors operated, they found two feet, a hand, and a thigh. This is a picture of what they found. And just so you know, Sam is doing fine. Read full details here.

Phish at Bonnaroo? (And the Boss, too?)

Let the rumors fly! Rolling Stone reported yesterday that, according to "reliable sources," the furry foursome will be headlining Bonnaroo for two nights this year. The Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival will be held June 11-14 in Manchester, TN. While the members of Phish have played Bonnaroo before, this would be the first time that all four would be playing together, and more importantly, as Phish.

For the past few years, the festival has featured headliners such as Metallica, Radiohead, and Pearl Jam, but the festival was created in 2002 out of the jam band scene that Phish helped create. If it wasn't for Phish's success, earned through non-stop touring, this dirty zeppelin would have never gotten off of the ground. Hopefully their performance brings Bonnaroo full circle and the whole muddy farm in Tennessee blows up and only leaves a faint scent of patchouli. While I had a great time the year I went (2003), I can't even imagine what the scene would be like now.

Rolling Stone is also reporting, "with some legitimacy," that Bruce Springsteen will be the headliner on Sunday night, the final night of the festival. The Super Bowl and Bonnaroo in the same year? The Boss is definitely still the Boss.

While these are just rumors now, Bonnaroo should be releasing their lineup and schedule within a couple of months. But tickets are available now. And the longer you wait the more expensive they get. Go to http://bonnarootickets.com/ for information.

Phish is also played three sold out shows in Hampton, VA as a reunion. If you have tickets but are having a hard time finding a place to stay, may be these kind folks can help you out.

The Stupidest Man In The Room

Rod Blagojevich. Amazing hair. Less than amazing intellect.

I'm sure everyone has heard already about the Governor of Illinois' arrest and his love of the words "motherfucker" and "fucking." This man tried to sell Obama's former Senate seat (possibly to Jesse Jackson, Jr.) in addition to doing many other stupid things, like intimidating the editorial board of the Chicago Tribune. I wouldn't mess with a newspaper's editorial board, especially if I was in politics. And I certainly wouldn't talk about selling a Senate seat . . . on the phone . . . when I knew I was under investigation . . . and that the FBI would be listening to my phone calls.

Like President-Elect Obama and many others have already stated, I believe this guy should step down. But he won't. But he will eventually. He just wants to be a dick about it. God, he has beautiful hair.

What I don't get about this guy is that, yes, he could have benefitted from being able to appoint Obama's replacement. This is politics. Of course whoever you pick is going to owe you big time. A Senate seat is a big deal, a step towards the presidency, and that will be remembered. You could even be a little blatant about it probably, but you should expect the returns on this investment down the road. You can't look for something up front. This guy could have totally gotten away with being an immoral douchebag, but unfortunately he was a stupid-ass greedy immoral douchebag. So for that reason I say, "Rod Blagovanivichejevichneikoffneivich, sit your sorry white ass down."

By the way, I don't think J squared did anything wrong. Probably someone in his staff said that he would help Rod raise some campaign money down the road. Sure. Doesn't surprise me in politics, especially Chicago. But I seriously don't think it was with his expressed approval.

". . . motherfucker [the President-Elect] his senator. Fuck him. For nothing? Fuck him."

A Senate seat "is a fucking valuable thing, you just don't give it away for nothing."

Mob Wars

Mob Wars. The only good thing about Facebook. Why can't I stop? It's like huffing glue without the headache.

All You Need Is Love

Today is the 28th anniversary of John Lennon's death. He was more than a musician and a songwriter. He was a visionary. He was able to see through the bullshit in the world. He would do whatever he could to make the world a better place, if that meant simply singing a song. Songs like "All You Need is Love", "Power to the People", and "Give Peace A Chance" were both simple and powerful. The message was/is direct. There was no beating around the bush with these songs. The message was the lyric, the song title, the chorus sung over and over like a mantra. Through his songwriting, the purest statement became the most artistic.

Now that we've reached the holiday season, we'll be hearing "Happy Xmas (War Is Over)" in our shopping malls and on the local oldies station that turns to all-holiday-music-all-the-time for 2 months. Thank Jesus and Santa that this song gets play, and next time you hear it, listen to the words: "War is over if you want it / War is over now." These lyrics are so appropriate right now. We have soldiers fighting in a foreign land who won't be able to be with their families this holiday season. And we have an incoming president that embodies the kind of optimism and hope that these lyrics express.

"A dream you dream alone is only a dream.

A dream you dream together is reality."

Happy Weekend!!!!

You Can Train Goldfish????

Watch this video. Words can not describe this. Apparently, there is stuff like this all over YouTube.

Here is my reaction:

Wilco Update, Part Deux

Wilco warmed up for Neil Young again last night, this time in Montreal. This was the show I was going to go to, if any. I didn't (I'm looking at you subprime lenders and borrowers that ruined our financial system and created the credit crunch). Looks like the setlist was pretty much the same as Halifax, as expected. The only changes they made were to axe "California Stars" and "Via Chicago", and replace them with "I Am Trying To Break Your Heart" and "The Late Greats." I'm guessing this was partly because Tweedy flubbed the lyrics to "California Stars" on Saturday, and the live version of "Via Chicago" contains quite a bit of sonic chaos that might not be easily digested if you're not expecting it or have never seen Wilco before.

Correction: The Flaming Lips are not playing in Rochester. Sorry!!!!!!!!

Bye, Mike. We Hardly Knew Ya'...

Nov 18, 2002: Traded to the Braves from the Marlins
2003: Pitches 31 games (14-8)
2004: Pitches 29 games (13-9)
2005: Pitches 12 games (5-3)
Aug. 19, 2005: Elbow injury versus Padres
Sept. 25, 2005: Tommy John surgery
2006: Out for the season rehabbing
Mar 7, 2007: Tears oblique muscle, misses entire season due to recurring elbow pain
Apr 3, 2008: Strains his pectoral muscle while warming up for first game since 2005
July 26, 2008: Returns to the mound after almost three years, versus the Phillies
Aug 5, 2008: Gets his first win in 3 years, pitching 7 innings, allowing 4 hits and 2 earned runs
Dec 1, 2008: Agrees to 1-year $2 million deal (plus $2 million in incentives) with the Astros


Thanks for the ups and downs, Mike. Two time All-Star, NLCS MVP, and the first pitcher to win both the Gold Glove and Silver Slugger awards in the same season, Mike-freaking-Hampton.